Just a kiss
by OncePeetaHermione
Summary: War is raging. Families are crumbling. Romance is blooming. - Jily and the Mauraders
1. Chapter 1

**Just a kiss**

"Oh shut up Lily, it wasn't that funny." Marlene McKinnon grumbled as her close friend, Lily Evans, chortled loudly and stumbled into her as they were leaving the great hall. Unable to control her laughing, to the point where her legs were giving way, Lily looped an arm through Marlene's and attempted to calm herself down.

"Oh, but, Marly! Your face when-" Once again dissolving into giggles, making her disgruntled friend huff loudly, Lily mentally applauded the evil genius behind the prank at dinner.

It had been a long while since she had laughed this much, what with the combined stress of starting her N.E.W.T classes the previous term, as well as spending a stressful Christmas with her family. The announcement of Petunia's engagement, and the 3 days her dad had to spend in hospital between Christmas and New Year's had turned what she had hoped would be a nice time out from her relentless schoolwork and commitments, into a living nightmare.

In fact, her horrid Christmas break was most likely the only reason Marlene had not yet hexed Lily into oblivion. She did not allow herself to ever be the butt of a joke, much less allow her friends to laugh mercilessly at her. But seeing Lily not only smile, but dissolve in laughter softened her attitude as only 8 hours earlier a shadow of her best friend had arrived at platform nine and three quarters.

Throughout the entire train ride, followed by the ride up to the castle Lily had been reserved and pale, despite her friends attempts to cheer her up. She had been subdued during the feast up until the point when all the brussle sprouts in the hall had turned into green, croaking, jumping frogs. Lily, who had despised sprouts from an early age, had as per usual avoided them. But Marlene and countless other students had to endure the food on their plate being splattered all over them. The unfortunate circumstance was that Marlene had speared a brussle on her fork only moments before the spell was cast and with mouth wide open, had her transfigured food jumping onto her face, half into her wide open gob. The spluttering and tongue scraping and spitting that ensued was what had brought Lily back to reality, and out of her crushing worries and fear for her family.

"Glad to see someone enjoyed the fine dining," a male voice said from behind the girls who turned to see a smirking Sirius Black, his hands pushed deep into his pant pockets, and his hair looking decidedly windswept. "We decided on French tonight, how were your frog's legs McKinnon?"

As James, Remus and Peter arrived behind Sirius, who Marlene was unsuccessfully berating; Lily tried to push away the image of a startled Marlene with a live frog hanging out of her mouth. She had always tried to minimize being seen laughing about the Marauders jokes in front of James. He had finally stopped asking her out last term, and she didn't need to go giving him any ideas that she now liked him. And hysterically laughing at one of his pranks, might do just that. Or at the very least, it might make his over inflated cocky head expand to an even greater size.

As the 6 Gryffindor's walked up to the tower, Sirius turned to his mates. "What's the damage?" he asked.

"Separate detentions, you're with Filch, tomorrow at 7." Remus informed him. "McGonagall was NOT impressed. '_It's about time you four grew up, enough with this nonsense, I don't want to see this behaviour continue!'" _ Remus imitated in a heavy Scottish accent.

The boys laughed heartily, Marlene and Lily sharing a discrete smile at the expense of their teacher.

"Well it was worth it!" announced Peter. "Did you guys see Mulciber? I swear I saw him take a _bite_ out of one of the frogs!"

"Oh is that what all the spitting and swearing was behind me?" James chimed in with a short bark of laughter. "I thought one of the Slytherins had been told they were distantly related to a muggle with the way they were carrying on…"

"Oh god forbid!" Marlene begun facetiously, "The family tree will forever be tarnished."

Sirius grinned and continued her charade, "the whole lot of them ought to be disowned, torn from their fortune!"

Lily rolled her eyes and slowed down to walk with Remus. "You're looking well," Lily noted, appraising her friend.

Remus, his eyes glancing towards James who was only a few steps in front of him chatting with Peter, blushed slightly and cleared his throat. "Yes well, I had a relaxing break. How about you? Did you have a good holiday?"

Lily sighed shakily, having fended off this question all day as she had caught up with all her friends. Marlene, Alice, Mary, Dorcas and Hestia had all been extremely persistent in getting a straight answer out of her, but there were others who were more detached and polite, like Remus who would allow her simple replies. "It was… busy. My sister got engaged, and yeah my parents were thrilled obviously, but I'm not a fan of the guy. The break could have been better, in other words."

Remus nodded, possibly remembering one of her many rants about her sister that slipped out during rounds. "Some people just have no taste," he replied, making Lily smile slightly.

"I guess he's not so bad. He will do right by her. He really does love her I guess, and that's important. I mean, finding out your fiancés sister is not just a freak, but a legitimate witch, mustn't have been an easy thing to comprehend."

Remus and Lily's pensive silent was interrupted by Peter, "who thinks who's a freak?"

"Nobody Pete" Remus replied, rolling his eyes

"Oh come on, tell me the gossip."

"Jeez Peter, your such a girl!" James butted in, diverting his friend's attention. "Who do you want to go spreading rumors to? I heard some of the prefect girls have spa parties in their bathroom on Sunday nights, I'm not sure they'd let you in to chat though."

Blushing, Pete muttered, "I'm just curious."

"Yeah well butt out of Evans' business, she'll tell you if and when she wants it spread all over Hogwarts."

"Yeah… okay, Sorry Evans." Peter mumbled, shooting Lily an apologetic smile, before darting away from James' chastising glare.

"God sometimes I hate Hogwarts," Lily mumbled to the two boys still walking beside her.

"Nah you don't" James immediately, "all your favourite people in the world are right here at good old hoggy warty Hogwarts! Marlene, the girls, Remus" He said listing them off on his fingers before shooting her a winning smile and adding, "Me," to his list.

Lily rolled her eyes and sent a pointed glance to Remus, "Jeez Lupin, the company you keep. How do you manage not to get smothered by their ego?" she asked sarcastically with a hint of a smile when James pushed between them and draped his arms haphazardly around the two of them.

"You love me!" he grinned

"Sure" Lily replied slowly before ducking away from his arm and through the Fat Lady's portrait which Marlene had left wide open for her.

Catching her friend near the base of the stairs, she turned around and waved to the boys. "Night all" she cried out to them, before pulling Marlene away from an enthusiastically chatty Sirius.

…

Walking into their dorm, they were met with the sound of retching coming from the loo attached to their room.

"Oh god no…" Marlene groaned, covering her ears, and walking over to the far end of the room and opening a window.

Worried, Lily steeled herself, preparing for the sight, smell and sound of someone spewing like an open hydrant.

Tapping lightly on the door, she murmured, "Dorcas? Are you alright?" before cracking it open slightly. Hunched over on the floor, Dorcas was clutching a chamber pot to her, as Hestia brushed her hair soothingly, with a nauseated look on her face.

"Oh Lily, good. Chris and I had a fight, and I came up straight after the frog incident, and – um… will you sit with her for a bit? I will go get some water."

Nodding knowingly at her friend, Lily moved to take her place by Dorcas, petting her hair and rubbing her back soothingly, she murmured gently, "do you still have no idea what it is?"

Sobbing lightly into the pot, Dorcas shook her head 'no'

"Do you think you can make it down to the hospital wing? That calming draught Madame Pomfrey gave you last time worked alright didn't it?"

As her friend made to reply, an ashen look crossed her face, and she stuck her head back in the pot. Lily, swallowing hard, rubbed her friends back and held her long hair.

When Dorcas had finished, Lily _scourgify_–_ed_ the pot and lifted her friend to the small counter, and leant her weak body against the mirror. Passing Dorcas her toothbrush and toothpaste, Lily found a cloth and wet it. As she sponged her friends face and neck, in an attempt to comfort her, she mumbled to her friend.

"Don't worry, we will figure out why you've been so unwell. Maybe it's something you've been eating. If you still feel sick in the morning we will get Pomfrey for you.

Dorcas spat out her toothpaste into the sink, and shakily stood up. Lily's arm went around her and walked her back into their room and over to her bed. Fully clothed, Dorcas climbed in and curled up in a ball.

When Lily came out from the bathroom 5 minutes later in her pajamas and with the cleaned chamber pot to put next to Dorcas' bed, Hestia had returned with the pitcher of water.

"And then, he said all Gryffindors are the same, immature, short-tempered and 'weak of mind!'" she was sharing with Marlene and Dorcas, from where she sat perched on the sick girls bed. "And I mean, of course I blew up. He didn't just insult me, but all my friends. And I mean, it's totally unfounded, some of our year's smartest people are in Gryffindor!" she added with a pointed glance towards Lily.

"What are you looking at me for?" Lily scoffed. "Apart from my natural talent in potions – which has nothing to do with Severus before anyone says anything – I'm completely average."

Marlene, letting out a derisive snort from where she was sitting on her bed, reading a romance novel, muttered something that sounded a lot like, "yeah, right."

The girls stayed awake for an hour discussing the unfortunate dissolution of Hestia's relationship with Ravenclaw, Christopher Oakwood. And for that hour, Lily did not think once about her sister, or weddings, or hospitals or her dad's ill health. When she woke the next morning she felt all the more better for it.

She managed to make it through breakfast, defense, and break without anything more than an uncomfortable niggle in her stomach, but it was during Arithmancy that trouble struck. And as usual, it was in the human form of James Potter.

He had walked into class with a big smile on his face, and dropped down into the chair beside her. As they were the only Gryffindors doing 6th year Arithmancy, she had cautiously allowed him to take the seat next to her back in September, under the stipulation that he let her focus on her work. And truthfully he had been very good so far, only talking to her before and after class, and during group activities. Of course there was the occasional sarcastic note pass when their 23 year old, first year teacher, blundered through a topic. But Lily had been satisfied enough with his behaviour to not kick him to the spare desk in the back left corner of the room. Besides, seeing marauders alone without their group of friends surrounding them is a strange sight that Lily didn't think she could survive two years through. Plus, James was very good at Arithmancy, and not horrible at explaining the trickier concepts that even their teacher struggled with.

"Hey Lily" he greeted her enthusiastically with a big grin.

She smiled back gently. "Hi Potter. How was your Christmas?"

"Really good, my parents got me a new broomstick, and the boys came to stay. We played heaps of Quidditch and went to the New Year's Day charity Christmas match, it was great." He shared eagerly, before sobering and asking her gently, "How about you? I heard what you told Remus last night, about your sister. But did you do anything else?"

Lily averted her eyes away from him, towards the front of the classroom, _where was Professor Vector? _"Yeah, look it wasn't the best break, but Christmas day was alright, and I had a nice New Year's Eve" she spoke slowly, trying to scrounge out the few positive moments of her holiday.

James was silent for a few moments so Lily looked over at him. He was staring at her with a gentle, worried smile. He opened his mouth to ask something else, but Lily was saved by Professor Vector running into the classroom, looking frazzled and apologizing profusely to the class for her tardiness.

As Professor Vector began her lecture, Lily tried to pay close attention, but the knots growing in her stomach at the thought of her family was distracting.

Ten minutes into the lesson, James pushed a piece of paper over towards her and she looked at it.

_You can tell me anything you know? I'm good at keeping secrets._

Rolling her eyes slightly and pushing down the worries inside of her that were starting to creep up her throat she replied: **Thanks, but no thanks Potter, I have my own friends to tell important things to**

_We aren't friends?_

**Sorry to burst your bubble – but no**

_Oh, well… you can still tell me if you need to vent, I solemnly swear I won't tell anyone. _

**Good to know, too bad there's nothing to tell**

_Well if that's not the biggest piece of shit I've heard (read) today I don't know what is…_

**Excuse me?**

_Something is obviously wrong with you Lily_

**I'm fine**

_No you're not, you look like you are about to cry._

**Yeah, because you won't stop bugging me**

_That's never upset you before now, please tell me what's wrong, I'm really worried about you_

**No I'm not telling you anything, you are not my boyfriend Potter – no matter how much you wish you were! Leave. me. alone.**

James read her last line with a scowl and wrote furiously across the page before shoving it at her, and turning his seething attention towards professor Vector.

_I'm fully aware of that fact Evans. But who has the big head now, there's a reason I haven't asked you out in over six months and it's because I DON'T LIKE YOU LIKE THAT! But I thought we were FRIENDS and friends accept support from each other, especially if it looks like they're about to have a mental breakdown. And even though I don't have a sister like you, I still have family problems of my own. I just thought I might be a nice person and sympathize with you. But sorry – I forgot – I'm a big headed prat, and will definitely leave you alone in the future!_

Lily read his message cautiously, but it cut her deep. She folded the parchment in half, and placed it back on James' side of the table, before picking up her quill again to take notes.

However his last message kept running through her mind. And all she could remember was the worst of her holiday.

…

"Oh and we plan on getting married next September in the autumn, we both love the season and the leaves turning will look excellent in photos of course. And we will have only the best. I'm thinking of getting a dress personally made, as well as flowers from that exclusive shop in London 'fleurs de l'Angleterre' and we want to invite at least 200 people." Petunia had said gazing up into Vernon's beady, watery eyes not thirty minutes after dropping the news of her engagement on her financially struggling parents.

Lily had sat there wondering if she was expected to ask for a weekend away from Hogwarts, or if she just wasn't invited.

…

"Harold! Harold!" Lily had heard her mum yell loudly from downstairs.

Running, she had taken the stairs two at a time, and ran into the kitchen and froze at the scene. Her dad was passed out on the floor, breathing shallowly; Petunia was on the phone her eyes startled as she rattled off their address to emergency services. Her mother, cradling their dad to her chest was weeping and rocking. Lily had no idea what to do.

"Don't just stand there freak!" Petunia had screeched across the room after hanging up the phone. "Do something! You have magic don't you? Well for the first time in your life, do it for something useful."

As Petunia attacked Lily, their mother raised her eyes hopefully in Lily's direction. Confused at Petunia's sudden push for her to do magic, she stuttered only a "t-tuney… I can't… I don't know how." Which of course was met with a superior huff from her sister, who replied, "then _what_ do they teach you at that school" and stormed off.

…

"Are you having a nice time?" a boy with sandy brown hair and blue eyes asked her as she refilled her punch glass.

"Yeah I am" Lily had replied with an honest smile (the first after two weeks at home).

"Do I know you?" he asked.

"Lily Evans" she replied with an outstretched hand.

He took her to dance in the middle of the party filled with kids she went to primary school with. She had had a pleasant evening, despite the fact that her mother forced her to go to said party. The pair danced until midnight, when he kissed her, right as the count down begun. It was pleasantly enjoyable.

But once the New Year had been celebrated, he had pulled her to the side. "So," he asked placing his hands tightly on her hips. "Your place or mine?"

She had raised her eyes and said she wasn't leaving the party until her mum came to pick her up. The boy had shouted at her, pulled her to the corner of the building and pushed her up against the wall. He kissed her roughly, felt her up, and pinned her arms down when she went for her wand.

"Just go with it, you'll enjoy yourself" he had said before she had gotten enough leverage to hike her knee up and smash it into his balls. As she had run away from him, and out to her waiting mother, he had screamed profanities at her. Every painful word she had ever heard, but one. Mudblood. Here she was just a tease, frigid, and a bitch. She didn't know what was worse.

…

As all these recent memories swam in her vision, Lily struggled to keep her tears at bay. She fought them off as Vector finished her lecture and begun explaining the exercises she wanted them to attempt that day. But as the teacher walked around the class handing out the question sheets and graded essays from last term, Lily made eye contact with James briefly, and it all bubbled to the surface. She clapped a hand to her mouth as the first sob made its way out. James looked at her alarmed at the sounds she was trying to cover up. Taking in her crumbling face, he grabbed her shoulder and urged her out of her seat.

"Go, find somewhere private. I'll make something up for Vector."

She didn't even bother to grab her things before bolting out of class.

"Where did Evans go? I wanted to discuss her essay with her" Vector said, making her way over to James' desk.

"Uh, she said she didn't feel well, and then bolted. I was talking to her roommate earlier and she's been having some tummy trouble, maybe Evans caught it?"

"Hm… well she should have asked to be excused." Vector mumbled, looking nettled.

"Honestly professor, she looked like she was about to burst. It's probably best she left. I don't know about you, but if I so much as hear someone retching, I can't help but join in." James said, wrinkling his nose in disgust.


	2. Chapter 2

James strode into the great hall after Arithmancy, his eyes scanning the crowd of students for the particular shade of red hair he loved so much. As suspected she was nowhere in sight. Sighing, he walked over to his friends and slumped down beside Peter. Groaning slightly, and burying his face in his hands, James re-lived his disastrous attempt at being friendly to Lily. He shouldn't have pushed her.

"I take it Arithmancy was particularly wonderful today, eh Prongs!" Sirius grinned sarcastically across the table, before nudging Remus in the ribs, and nodding to James. "Look Moony, guilty expression and Evans' bag on his shoulder, this should be a good story!" he snorted.

Rolling his eyes, Remus leveled James with an exasperated gaze. "It's the first day back James. What _did_ you do? There are only so many times I can defend you and your erratic behaviour, before she starts getting pissy at me as well."

"I was just trying to be friendly…" James replied, a scowl on his face as he violently stabbed a potato with his fork.

The boys laughed at his petulant attitude and Peter, his mouth full of food, chortled, "I think you trying to be 'friendly' has always been her issue with you mate." This of course sent Sirius and Peter into further states of mirth as James grunted in displeasure.

"James-" Remus begun from across the large vat of beef stew, "what _did_ happen…? She did seem a bit off yesterday; please tell me you weren't harassing her again! I thought you'd grown out of that."

James remained silent for a moment, sending Remus a piercing glare. "So what if I did?" he replied petulantly. "Something was clearly upsetting her. I was worried!"

Rolling his eyes, and pulling out his potions essay to proof read, Remus murmured something along the lines of "you're killing your chance with her by caring too much."

…

Lily wasn't in potions after lunch, despite it being her favorite subject. Hestia and Dorcas had pestered him for details on Lily after they saw he was carrying around her bag. Marlene and Sirius were once again too busy flirting outrageously to notice the slight dilemma their friends were dealing with.

…

She wasn't at dinner either and James felt like more of an idiot with every minute that passed.

James pushed his steak and kidney pie around his plate, eating half-heartedly as he watched the entrance to the hall. Eventually Sirius, sick of his mate's behaviour tossed a piece of thick parchment at him over the table. "For Merlins sake Prongs! She's not coming, go find her. I can't enjoy my meal with you behaving like some love sick, heartbroken puppy."

James glared but grunted in thanks before standing up, heaving his and Lily's bags onto his shoulder, and grabbing a large slice of chocolate cake from a dessert platter in a napkin.

In a secret passageway just off the entrance hall, James opened the parchment Sirius had piffed at him, and murmured "I solemnly swear I'm up to no good" before searching for Lily on the rapidly forming map.

He found her on the seventh floor sitting beside a full length bay window that gave her a spectacular view of the Hogwarts grounds. She was making bubbles with her wand, and worrying her lip between her teeth. She looked more put together than she had earlier, but there was a worrying wrinkle on her forehead that James knew made an appearance when she was trying hard to control her emotions. Whether it be anger, frustration or despair, that wrinkle always alerted him of her inner turmoil.

Lily refused to look at him as he approached her and settled himself on the floor beside her, but smiled lightly as he placed the chocolate cake down on the floor in front of her.

James broke the silence first. "So, here's your bag Evans." He spoke jovially, plopping her heavy satchel down beside her slice of cake. "I took the liberty to place your homework assignments inside of it. I'm sure you will be thrilled to know that Slughorn assigned a 12 inch Essay on Felix Filicis – due Monday. Also, you got an E on that last Arithmancy paper, Vector said some of your calculations were off. But don't worry, you'll have a chance to redeem yourself in the next essay, because it's dead easy." James rambled as Lily picked at her cake silently.

"Also-" James continued, not missing a beat. "I'd like to take this moment to apologize profusely for my behaviour during Arithmancy today. I was out of line and I shouldn't have tried to push you into telling me what has been bothering you. That is your business. I also apologize for the things I wrote in that last note. I was rude, and it upset you. I'm sorry."

When James finally shut up, Lily turned her head slightly to observe him, and her red eyes and pale cheeks became even more noticeable on her normally vibrant face. Eventually she nodded. "You're forgiven" she muttered quietly, before attempting to lighten their conversation. "But only because you had the foresight to bring me cake with your apology."

James gave a small smile. "Yeah well I realized you probably hadn't eaten since breakfast, so it was either that delicious cake, or a soggy looking pasty. I thought the chocolate would help win you over quicker though – and I was right!" James announced, with an accomplished grin adorning his handsome face.

Lily rolled her eyes and shot him a small hesitant smile. "yeah yeah yeah Potter, don't look so pleased with yourself."

Quickly morphing his features into a mask of indifference, James announced to the corridor in an aloof tone. "Why, dear woman, don't think me _pleased_ with myself! I was merely doing my civil duty. Do not for a second think me a _friend _because god forbid I should be a friend to _you _my dear woman!"

Blushing lightly and brushing the crumbs off her lap, Lily felt the need to murmur, "I'm sorry I hurt your feelings when I said we weren't friends Potter. But think about it – we have been civil the past few months, but that doesn't classify us as friends."

James considered her momentarily. "hm. True." He finally announced. "But what does classify as friends? – meeting up in Hogsmead for a drink? Or maybe even bringing each other cake after a bad day?"

Lily turned to look at him forcefully, her gaze burning him, as if she was attempting to read his mind.

"Fine," she eventually huffed. "But only because of the cake!"

James beamed at her. "Fabulous!" he replied enthusiastically before resting his head against the wall and releasing a long, exhausted yet satisfied sigh.

Lily rolled her eyes. "Don't you have a detention to go to or something?" she asked, studying his casual position next to her. He was slumped against the stone wall, head resting back and his eyes closed. His long legs were stretched out in front of him, reaching three quarters of the way across the small corridor. One arm was up nestled behind his head, the action itself pulling up his untucked shirt so Lily could see an inch of his stomach. Noticing the hair leading down into his pants Lily blushed lightly and looked away.

"mmhm – later" James murmured, peeking a look at her out of one eye. "I have to help Slughorn organize the potions storage room. Not till 8 though"

"Great," Lily muttered sardonically, wanting to be left alone with her thoughts.

Picking up on her mood, James sat up and reached for his bag. "Look Lily. I just wanted to find you and make sure that you're okay. And, it's obvious you're not… but if it'll help to be alone, I'll give you some privacy."

Slightly startled, Lily met his unwavering gaze. His eyes were filled with more concern for her than she thought was possible. Especially for a marauder whose eyes seemed to only ever display laughter and endless secrets.

Blinking away her confusion, Lily nodded to James in thanks. "Some privacy would be good. I'll be alright."

James scrutinized her further, before nodding and standing up. "If you ever need anything – you know where to find me." He said seriously before shooting her a crooked smile. "I'm the annoying miscreant at the back of all your classes passing notes with my friends and causing general mayhem around the school."

Lily let out a breathy laugh, and tried to smile as he waved goodbye. The knowing look in his eyes told her she failed. Watching him walk down the corridor, she felt a slight warmth inside of her. It wasn't every day that she experienced this side of James Potter, the concerned, friendly, sweet boy who understood boundaries.

"Hey Potter!" she called out to him from her place on the floor, surprising not only him, but herself.

He turned, his eyebrows raised in confusion and question.

Pausing momentarily, not knowing what to say, she bit her lip. "Thanks!" she finally got out before turning her attention back to the wall in front of her.

"No problem Evans" she heard him reply softly, before turning away and walking off.

…

"James!" An excited, warm voice called out from behind him. It was a woman, she smelled like flowers and sunshine. Lily.

Smiling as he turned to face her, James reached out to touch her glowing hair. It was illuminated like fire in the sunlight, and contrasted beautifully with her pale skin, and red lips. As they grinned at each other, James asked, "Do you want to go for a fly?"

Lily's smile dropped slightly, and she bit her full lower lip in apprehension. "I don't know James…"

"JAMES!"

Tossing violently in bed at the crude awakening, the bloke in question almost fell to the floor.

"Bloody hell Padfoot! What are you doing?"

Chortling at his mates reaction to being awakened Sirius chucked James his robes. "You have five minutes before class starts – I'd suggest you get dressed quickly… that is unless you'd like for everyone to know you sleep in 'Marvin the mad muggle' boxers."

"FIVE MINUTES!" James shouted in alarm as Sirius escaped the dormitory. "YOU ARE SO DEAD BLACK!"

Thinking once again about the look Lily gave him last week as he changed rapidly and gathered his books, James wasn't shocked he had been dreaming about her. When she had smiled, and bit her lip the other day, right as she locked eyes with him, she had unknowingly sent his mind of on a crazy trail of fantasies. It had been so unintentionally alluring that he couldn't shake the image from his mind.

He was a few minutes late for charms, and undoubtedly looked as if he had just rolled straight out of bed (which he had!) but Flitwick just waved him in with a stern eyeballing as he started his lecture. Plopping down into a chair beside Peter, he sent a harsh look at each of his mates, who neither had the decency to look guilty or apologetic.

A few minutes later, just as James was settling into Flitwicks lecture the classroom door was inched open slowly, and Lily stepped in sending an apologetic look to their exasperated professor. Flitwick huffed, and gestured for her to take the last empty seat in the room, beside James.

Lily hurried over, her head hanging low, avoiding his gaze. But as she sat, pulling out her books and a quill James got a good look at her. Her face was pale and her eyes rimmed red. She had been crying. Recently. He wanted to reach out and squeeze her hand in comfort. It was just sitting there on the table, not 20cms from his own. It would be so easy. But - he paused to think, would it make her feel better or worse? Given their history James settled on 'worse' and attempted to pay attention to the theory behind basic healing charms.

Lily had been upset all week. Apart from the first night back from break, he had barely seen her smile, and was constantly hearing her friends fret about her abnormal behaviour. From what he'd manage to overhear from the Gryffindor girls, he'd deduced that Lily's father was unwell. Yes he had eavesdropped, but that wasn't beneath his or Sirius' moral standards by a long shot.

Halfway through the class, James heard Lily sniff lightly and he knew he had to do _something._ Deciding against physical contact, he flipped over his page of notes and drew a smiley face, before pushing it towards her.

**Please not again… **was her only reply, right below his emoticon

_Can we __**please**__ talk after class?_

**No**

_Evans… Lily…Please! I hate that you're so sad :( _

**Potter! Back off! 'talking' is the last thing I want to do**

_Then just come for a walk with me during lunch._

**What so you can try to pressure me into 'opening up' **

_Nope… I won't make you talk at all… I just __want __need to tell you something!_

**How many times do I have to say NO – we aren't friends!**

_Yes we are – remember the chocolate cake!_

_I'll find you some more if you come with me!_

**Maybe… now let me focus on charms! I'm not going to fail this subject! **

_You will if you keep turning up late :p_

**Oh yeah… I don't recall seeing you at breakfast, Mr-Bedhair**

_What are you talking about … my hair is always like this…!_

**No – today it has an extra special…**

_ Charm?_

** mmm… not the word I was looking for… **

_Fine fine… you caught me, I'll recount the thrilling tale of my morning, and find you some cake if you meet me in the entrance hall at lunch_

… **my answer's still maybe…**

_Good enough for me!_

With an indignant shake of her head, and a slight smile creeping onto her face, Lily made it through her next two classes without feeling the urge to run away and cry in a lavatory.

Feeling as if she owed him, for improving her precarious mood slightly, Lily waited in the entrance hall after Herbology for James.

True to his words, he didn't ask her any personal questions, and he managed to arrive bearing cake.

"How did you get this? Lily asked in confusion as she picked at her slice of choc-mud coconut cake. "It's warm! And I know for certain that cake is never served during lunch hour, because the elves are promoting 'healthy eating' this year!"

James laughed. "Oh Evans. When you know the many secrets of this castle like myself, then the cake mystery will make sense."

Lily glared at him, one eyebrow raised in question. "Fine fine…" he relented. "I went to the kitchens after Herbology. The elves were just pulling this beautiful tasty cake out of their oven as I arrived. They were more than happy to share two slices with me!"

They had been walking as they ate, and were nearing Lily's favourite alcove on the 7th floor. All was silent apart from their footfalls in the deserted corridor and the sounds of their cake being devoured, until they settled next to the large window.

Lily, who was trying not to focus on James and the fact that she'd agreed to talk to him… alone… was licking some chocolate off her pinky finger when he cleared his throat.

"I – ah… I heard about what's going on with your dad…" James begun and Lily's stomach sank.

"what-how?" Lily muttered, startled by the outbreak of her private issue.

"I overheard Dorcas and Marlene talking the other day, they're worried about you, and … so am I … everyone is."

Lily was studying her hands in embarrassment. "Who knows?"

"I think I'm the only one who heard them talking," James answered softly. "And I know you probably don't want to hear this, because you are constantly reminding me that we aren't friends… but… I know how you feel."

Lily looked up, her eyes filled with tears that were being too stubborn to overflow. "No you don't. _No one _knows how I feel!"

James watched her sadly.

Sighing and leaning against the wall beside her he begun. "You feel helpless, desperate, lonely, anxious, disheartened, weak… scared." He muttered. "Well... at least that's how I feel." He amended.

With slight curiosity Lily managed to murmur, "Why?"

James looked up. Right at Lily and said as boldly as he could for someone who was keeping all his pain tightly wound up inside of him. "My parents are old… much older than most. About 60. Obviously nowhere near 'Dumbledore old' but… for their line of work, they're old."

James paused and Lily whispered, "what do they do?"

"They're Aurors. Or, they were Aurors. They've slowed down a lot in the last 6 months, my dad got cursed back in July, and we thought he would die, but the healers managed to contain it. However it's eating away at his nervous system or something…" James' voice caught and Lily moved closer to him, placing her hand lightly on his arm. "Anyway, they put him on some muggle medication which helps a bit with the symptoms… but he's still not great. And then there's mum. She's always dealing with some cough or cold. Which seems really minor compared to dad. Especially with pepper-up potion on hand. But sometimes I worry about her more than him."

"James…"

"And I know I don't have a bitch of a sister who's marrying some git of a muggle… but I just wanted to let you know, that there are people who understand most of the pain you're going through. And that, no matter what, you can always come talk to me."

They sat in silence, watching through the window as all the young carefree pupils enjoyed their lunch break out by the lake. When time came to get ready for their next class, they stood up and faced each other with identical looks of gloomy understanding.

"Thanks… for telling me this." Lily muttered solemnly.

"I needed this just as much as you did. No one else really understands this – nightmare!" James added, giving a big sniff as his own eyes began to well up.

Lily couldn't handle seeing him so distraught, so she wrapped her arms around his shoulders in a brief hug. However James latched onto her, and buried his face in her hair, leaving Lily to relax into his tight hold. Her arms fit comfortably around his neck, and her ear was just level with his heart when she leant her head against his chest.

With his cheek pressed against her hair, he murmured, "you're the last person I wanted this to happen too. You shouldn't have to deal with this pain. It can be soul-destroying."


	3. Chapter 3

Dorcas?" Marlene asked, as the Gryffindor girls entered the entrance hall. After a chilly Herbology session, the girls were eager for a warm lunch, before their next class.

Rolling her eyes, Dorcas Meadowesimitated her friend, "Marlene?"

"I-you… don't do that!" Marlene begun with a huff, "I just wanted to say, you look good today. Are you feeling any better? You haven't been unwell recently. That's a nice change isn't it?"

Lily and Hestia turned to look at Marlene. Surprise written clearly on their faces. Dorcas squirmed uncomfortably as they made their way into the hall.

"Marlene, could you be any more unobservant!" Lily eventually asked in exasperation. "Dorcas has had a clean bill of health for the last 2 weeks, in fact she's positively glowing! How could you miss that…"

"Oh well, I can't be expected to keep up with everything! Merlin! At least I'm aware that it's your birthday next week, Lily."

"Oh yeah! What day?"

"Uhh… Wednesday?"

"Come on it's been 6 years! Try again"

Marlene tried again, "Tuesday?"

Before Lily could butt in angrily to berate her so called 'friend' someone came up behind the group. "Oh talking about your birthday are we Evans? I do believe the actual day of celebration you're forgetting Marlene is Monday – the 30th" The girls turned to see a smug looking James Potter.

Lily grimaced at her friends as they sat down, "see even Potter remembers!"

Marlene rolled her eyes with a quiet sarcastic mumble of "of course _he_ remembers"

Which James unfortunately heard. "What's that supposed to mean McKinnon?! If you paid more attention to things, such as Quidditch training, and where the quaffle is, not the hot bods of your teammates then I'd be more lenient, but as it is I happen to agree with your friends. You are unobservant. And one day, it'll cost you big time."

"Oh come on, I pay plenty of attention in training." Marlene groaned. James sent Lily an exasperated look, shook his head in mock disappointment and murmured, "if you can't control your friend, I'll have no choice to remove her from the team."

Lily laughed lightly.

"For Merlins sake!" Marlene groaned in frustration. "We've been doing extra Chaser practices all year! You, me and Cresswell, now you're saying I don't put enough effort in!"

James stood up, "I don't have the energy for this right now, and Marlene I never said you don't put in effort, I just meant you lack focus, deal with it – pronto. The match is this weekend and I'm not losing because you can't pay attention to the bludgers… or other players. Don't forget Quidditch is a team sport!"

He walked off, giving Lily's shoulder a tight squeeze on his way past her.

"Urgh, he's been so frustratingly bossy this year. Captaincy has definitely gone to his head! Practice is no fun with him these days, no wonder my mind wanders!" Marlene ranted the moment he was out of earshot.

Lily watched as he walked halfway down the Gryffindor table before slumping in a seat beside Remus, he looked tired. "Give him a break Marlene," Lily insisted to the shock of her friends. Turning bright red_, _she avoided her friends questioning stares by eating as fast as possible. Swallowing a particularly large mouthful of pie, she glanced surreptitiously down the table to where James was seated. Ever since he had shared his dads prognosis with her, she had found herself watching him. As if looking for the unavoidable changes that had set in with _her_ dads illness, the anxiety, seriousness and withdrawl. James laughed loudly at something Sirius had just shared, and Lily wondered whether he was immune to fear, or whether he was just fantastic at pretending.

…

Lily found herself walking to the common room alone, just before curfew that night. After an early rushed dinner, she had secluded herself away in the library. With unpleasant thoughts running rampant through her mind since Christmas break, concentrating on homework had been difficult. Forcing herself to focus for the evening, Lily had whisked herself away in a quiet corner of the library and had been very successful.

Nodding hello to the Fat Lady and muttering the password with a tired smile, Lily entered the common room. A strange tension washed over her. The common room was very full, but oddly subdued. Looking around, she located her friends. Dorcas and Hestia were whispering, heads close together near the fireplace, and Marlene looking uncharacteristically solemn was in the corner near James and Sirius.

As she approached them, James looked up and sighed heavily. "This is a closed team meeting Evans. Gryffindor Quidditch team members only."

Lily paused just behind Marlene, and held her hands up. "Whoa, ok. I'm leaving sheesh!" she growled in annoyance with a glare at James.

Lily backed away slowly, confusion and a slight trickle of fear welling up inside of her. She felt someone grab hold of her elbow and spun around, immediately on edge. It was Remus.

"Merlin! Don't do that Remus!"

"Sorry." He muttered, a slight smile gracing his perpetually gloomy face as he dragged her over to Dorcas and Hestia.

"Oh Lily! Where have you been all night" Hestia crowed

"You've missed _everything_" Dorcas interrupted. "Have you even heard what happened?"

Her three friends stared at her confused, wary face then nodded with unease.

Remus cleared his throat and grimaced. "There's been another attack. A whole family murdered. Two children, their parents and grandparents. Down south near Brighton. The Dark Mark was left above their house."

"Oh that's awful." Lily muttered, casting her eyes downcast as a heaviness filled her bones.

"It was Dirk Cresswalls family." Hestia whispered morosely. "He and his sister, Philippa – the blond third year – were pulled out of their classes this afternoon."

Dorcas nodded. "I heard Mcgonagall collected them, then had to walk them up to Dumbledores office and deliver the news. I wonder where they've gone, because they haven't been seen since."

Lily shuddered. "Surely Dumbledore didn't send them home. Not if their whole family was attacked."

Remus gripped her shoulder in an attempt at comfort. "Maybe they had aunts, uncles…"

Lily ignored him. "They even killed the children?" she whispered more to herself than anything.

Hestia nodded, reaching out to hug Lily. "Yeah they did. The poor things. I think the youngest was only six or seven."

As Dorcas mumbled in assent "yes so so so horrible," Lily recoiled from Hestia.

Hestia unfortunately, not realising how uncomfortable Lily was becoming continued, "yes I know, a little girl – Robyn I think her name was, such a petite little thing last time I saw her at the station. So cute."

Lily turned away from her friends looking instead across the room to where Marly, James and Sirius appeared to be gravely discussing the loss of their teammate. Marlene was bouncing her leg up and down quickly, a sign she was struggling with the tense atmosphere surrounding her. Sirius had his eyes closed as he leaned back against the wall, but he appeared to be the one doing the talking. James was merely sitting, with one hand stuck in his hair as he glared at a piece of paper in front of him. The rest of the team, two forth years and one second, were dejectedly staring between James and Sirius, with expressions of such defeat on their faces that Lily stopped feeling sad for the Cresswalls for just one moment.

Turning from the team, but not looking at her mates Lily quietly motioned to the staircase and muttered she was going to bed. That she was tired.

She just couldn't handle the roomful of second hand grief. It made what she had been carrying around in her own heart all term, all the more painful.

…

It was a bad dream that woke her in the middle of the night. Not an uncommon occurrence of late. However, her own family were strangely absent from her mind this evening. Instead she had watched on in horror as her overzealous imagination concocted a dream of death and torture, of death eaters attacking small children, an elderly couple and killing babies. It was a final flash of bright green light that had forced her to awaken with a start.

Shakily, Lily stood up and walked to the pitcher of water sitting beside the window. Gulping down a glass anxiously she wondered if she'd be able to return to sleep. Surely not. If she closed her eyes again now, she would undoubtedly be reliving that nightmare. She was afraid to even blink, on the off chance that she would witness any of that horror again. Those small squealing children or the crying black haired baby, reaching out to her moments before the curse hit.

It was all too much. Lily grabbed her robe, and walked down to the common room with a book. She'd read until morning.

Lily walked unsteadily over to the couches by the fire and sunk into her favourite with a loud sigh.

"Are you okay?" a warm voice mumbled behind her.

Immediately startled, Lily stood, dropping her book to the ground and turned around to face… James Potter. She swore loudly in relief.

He raised his eyebrows at her, "I didn't know perfect, prefect Lily Evans knew curse words!"

Sinking back into the couch and turning to face to the fireplace, looking into the flames, she forced herself to release the breath she's been holding. "What are you doing up?" she asked quietly once her heart stopped racing.

James sighed and walked slowly to the couches by the fireplace, picking up Lily's discarded book, before taking a seat next to her on the plush red couch.

"I couldn't sleep," he murmured, staring fiercely into the fire like Lily.

"Why? To stressed over finding a new chaser by Saturday?"

"No, we have a few options. We're going to go with McLaggen I think. He's a good player, but he's a right foul dick. But for one game, what does it matter? As long as we don't lose our lead."

Lily nodded knowingly. McLaggen, the brash, impetuous, know it all 7th year who ran the charms club and let everyone who would listen know all about it.

"mmm… that will be fun for you. Hopefully Dirk's back soon."

James nodded once, not once moving his eyes from the burning flames.

They fell quiet.

"Lily?" James asked, his voice cracking slightly.

Concerned, Lily tore her eyes away from the fire to look at James. He remained concentrated on the fire, and Lily marvelled over the way light hit his face. The orange glow touching his nose and spreading out across his face made him look strangely beautiful. "Yeah?" she croaked back when he didn't continue to talk.

"Dirk's family _died_."

"I know…" she said soothingly, extremely concerned about the vulnerable tone in James' usually strident voice.

"When I read the afternoon Prophet, I heard there'd been an attack, that at least 2 people were known to be dead, I thought…"

Lily's stomach turned. She remembered now the concerned looks on the faces' of the professors and select few students at lunch. They'd all been reading a paper.

Lily _really _looked at James. His forehead was scrunched up, his lips pursed, and his eyes, despondently glaring into the fire.

She reached over and grabbed his hand. Squeezing hard she murmured, "You thought it was your parents?"

He finally tore his eyes away from the fire. Looking down at their hands in his lap, each tightly grasping the others, he sniffed lightly before levelling his gaze to hers. "Its… My worst nightmare. Being called out of class, being told by Dumbledore that they're dead, and that I wasn't there to protect them, to say goodbye just one last time. I can't sleep, because in my dreams, I just fall into situation after situation where I'm alive and they're not. And I don't know how to live in a world where they aren't alive; they're the 2 people who completely, irrevocably and unconscionably love me, for _me_."

Lily sat stunned, as James' eyes bore into hers. The pain, desperation and fatigue inside of him overwhelmed her momentarily, so much so that she forgot her own pain. Her own fears.

"James…" Lily begun, squeezing his hands tight.

"No, Lily. Please, don't say anything. Ok?" he asked desperately with one last final pleading, "_please._"

"Ok, I'm just going to sit here and read my book, alright?"

"Alright," he replied, releasing her hands, and turning back to look into the fire.

With shaky hands, Lily picked up her novel, and opened it to her bookmarked page. They sat in silence for what felt like hours, James staring into the fire and Lily staring at the book in her hands. She tried to read, to distract herself from her growing fears, fuelled by James' confession. However she found herself rereading the same words over and over again, barely processing the story.

James was quiet, trying not to cry in front of Lily. Trying to remain strong for her, and not tarnish his reputation over some stupid dream. Sometime, shortly before sunrise, he found himself lying down on the couch. Head right beside Lily's leg. As he continued to watch the flames die into embers he counted the days until the Easter holidays, when he could go home and see his parents. Just as he was trying to figure out where Easter fell this year, he felt Lily's, small gentle hand touch his hair. Closing his eyes, he froze. Whilst James lay beside her in surprise, Lily begun running her fingers through his hair. James had never felt anything like it before. Had never even dreamed that Lily would touch his hair in such a gentle manner. He had very vivid memories of her shouting at him, merely a year ago that she would rip his goddamn hair out, chunk by chunk if he dared speak to her ever again.

His hair was so soft, so confusingly soft. His messy black hair had been begging for her to touch ever since he lay down. It had been long enough that surely he was asleep. Running it between her fingers was surprisingly comforting, like petting a cat. But James wasn't a cat; he was 10 times more comforting than old Snowflake, her childhood pet, had been. Yet he was _James_ the object of all her frustration, embarrassment and heartbreak for the last 5 and a half years. Debating with herself as she massaged his head Lily thought not only about all their fights, but about how kind he had been to her this past month. About how they hadn't had a good and proper fight since last June, after the Defence O.W.L when Severus had called her a … _mudblood_. Despite his ongoing pranks, none of them had hurt any of the younger children, and had either been targeted at the oldest and most determinedly evil of the Slytherins, or at the entire student body as a whole. Not that that meant Lily agreed with his shenanigans, but she had less reasons to yell at him. Besides, she couldn't stay mad at him for long recently. Not with his sudden discovery that chocolate cake was a sure fire way to calm her down. But, what did all this mean?

Were James and her friends? - Maybe, probably yes.

Did James still like Lily? - No, he hadn't asked her out the entire school year.

Did this mean it would be easier for them to be friends? - Yes, without James pining over her, they had a real shot… if the last couple of weeks were anything to go by.

And finally, Did she, did Lily have feelings for James? - No, definitely not. She was just… being a good friend to him. That's why she cared so much when he was upset. Because friends are allowed to worry about each other.

Lily looked down. Her hand was still stoking James' hair. Hastily she ripped it away. Physical contact, only best friends, and couples went around stroking each other's hair to calm each other down. _This_ didn't fit into either category. Standing slowly, so as not to bounce the couch and wake James, Lily found a throw rug and placed it lightly over him, before turning and running up the steps to the girls dormitories.

…

James rolled over to stare at the roof after the sound of Lily's hasty steps on the stone staircase disappeared. _What had just happened?_ Stretching, James knocked something to the floor. It was her book. He held it tightly in his hands as he remembered the feel of her soft fingers caressing his hair. Jumping up swiftly, James ran upstairs to grab his broomstick. Now that it was getting light outside, he needed to fly to clear his mind. And perhaps a cold shower.

…

"Where have you been all night mate?" Sirius asked loudly the second James returned to his dormitory after his shower.

"Downstairs," he grunted in reply.

"Oh yeah, doing what?" Sirius continued with a snigger.

James only glared at him as he fished out clean robes and school books from his unorganised mess of a trunk.

Remus, who was tying his tie on the other side of the room sighed loudly, "just leave him be Padfoot."

Sirius plastered on a look of faux outrage, "leave him be! I will do no such thing. These are dark times Mr. Lupin, I have every right to know where my best mate was last night!"

Peter, still yet to get out of bed called out to James, "you know we would have gone to Hogsmead with you Prongs. I really could have used a good drink after yesterday anyway."

"I wasn't in Hogsmead, not gonna lie - I considered it, but in the end, I was just stayed in the common room."

"All night?" Sirius asked with a disbelieving look.

"Yes – all night!"

"Were you alone?" he asked, this time waggling his eyes at his best mate.

James turned to get changed, ignoring Sirius.

It was Remus who answered for him in a sly tone, holding something in his hands. "I think not Padfoot, not unless James has all of a sudden taken an interest in old fashioned muggle romance novels." showing the book to Sirius with a knowing grin in James direction he asked, "I wonder whose this is?"

"Give it here," Sirius demanded with his usual verve. Grabbing the copy from Remus, he started flicking through the pages until he found what he wanted. Clearing his throat he read out loud. "To my darling daughter, I hope you enjoy this story as much as I have Lily, lots of love, mum."

"Give that here," James demanded. Sirius threw it to James who caught it with ease.

"Is that – Lily Evans' book by any chance Prongs?"

When James didn't reply, Sirius continued with a smile as cheeky and mischievous as ever. "You spent all night with Lily Evans! MATE! I thought you were over her! Wow, tell us everything, is she a good-"

"Sirius shut up! Nothing happened. We talked for a bit then I fell asleep on the couch. When I woke up she was gone. That's my story alright! Now please just forget this ever happened."

Sirius raised his eyebrows at a stern looking Remus, and muttered "Alright fine, that was outta line, sorry!"

"It's fine," James muttered through gritted teeth as he shoved Lily's book in his bag. "Let's just go to breakfast."

Nodding, Remus and Sirius followed James out of the dorm, a hastily dressed Peter only moments behind.

* * *

**HI, thanks for reading, please leave a review to let me know what you think - XX**


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